Way Out
by frenchdreamer75
Summary: An encounter with someone from Kalinda's past and Alicia starts to understand the whole picture...  Reviews are welcome!


It had been another long day. Since Will had left the firm for his six-month suspension, everybody had been reassigned cases and Alicia had been forced to give up her need for a week off with her kids. She had been struggling with the guilt of not being able to keep her promise to them, but Zach and Grace, as usual, had been good and understanding about it –they had taken that habit of always being supportive of her lately. But she also had to accept that her kids were starting to live their life without her, Grace looking for her own path and Zach in love with his girlfriend, both getting to a new independence that she wasn't prepared to give them fully. She hadn't found the new equilibrium that she needed in her life yet and had hoped that taking a little trip with them would help all of them find it, but that was another thing she had to postpone. So much for the equilibrium. So much for the need to take a distance and sort her feelings out. She still hadn't come to terms with Will's absence from the firm and still surprised herself looking for him, glancing towards his office when she was in Diane's and expecting him to appear at her door for some information about a legal case. She couldn't make any sense of what was going on between them, what his feelings for her were, and not even what her feelings for him were. She didn't know if she wished their relationship hadn't stopped or if she felt relieved that it had. She knew she sometimes missed the relationship, but she couldn't figure out which part she actually missed, and didn't really have the time to dig into that. She had thought that his being distanced from the firm would help her to see things from a different angle, that she would come to a new sense and understanding of what had been going on these last few months, but disappointingly enough, her thoughts had not really evolved or become more bearable. She was just tired and yes, a little too lonely.

There was work, though, and the files that she had been working on all day, as difficult as they were, had given her some relief and some sense of being back into a reassuring track, of knowing what she was doing and at last feeling on top of things. Even if she had found it hard to concentrate and focus, at least she knew she hadn't lost her day and had the satisfaction of thinking of it as a productive one. She would certainly deserve some rest tonight and would not find it so difficult to find her sleep, which was a reassuring thought. It was almost nine o'clock when she went to the filing cabinet with the product of her day's work, and in the almost deserted firm, completed her day's tasks. Back to her office, she checked if everything was ready for the next day. It was. She still hadn't looked at Kalinda's file sitting there on one of her shelves though. She'd start on that tomorrow. She grabbed her handbag and finally made her way to the parking lot downstairs.

Getting her car back from the parking lot certainly wasn't her favorite moment of the day –she had always found that place to be bleak, and at late hours even somewhat scary. She usually tried to park her car near the elevator entrance, just to not hear her own heels echoing in the evening silence after work, but this morning all the best spots were already taken and she had to park a little further. Pacing fast towards it, fumbling about in her bag for her car keys, she suddenly heard a man's voice. It was not a loud voice, but the tone of it was cold, angry, threatening, and even though she couldn't hear the words, she knew that she wouldn't have liked to be the person who was thus addressed, and got uneasy. No one was answering the voice ; it sounded like a long, uninterrupted soliloquy. She slowed down, and turning her head left towards the sound of the voice, she saw a man, his back to her. His body was hiding the person that he was speaking to, a small person, that he was standing very close to. A woman. Alicia noticed her boots. It was Kalinda. She was sure. Alicia's heart started to pound harder, and she felt, physically, that Kalinda was in danger. No other thought crossed her mind. For a split second she froze but an invisible force pushed her to walk towards Kalinda and the man, and she heard her own voice, unexpectedly loud and strong :

"Kalinda? Are you all right?"

The man slowly stepped back, releasing Kalinda who was pressed against a large pillar, and faced her. It was a tall athletic man of Indian origin, dressed casually in jeans and a black sweater.

"She's fine", he said, "we're just having a little chat."

Alicia looked at Kalinda and discovered a face that she had never seen before. Kalinda was livid, and looked utterly terrified. Her legs seemed to barely support her and she was on the verge of falling down to the ground. Again, Alicia was surprised at the strength she heard in her own voice when she said : "You leave her alone, or I'm calling the police", and grabbed her cell phone.

"Don't bother" said the man, and turning back to Kalinda, "We'll talk again soon, Leela."

And with a self-assured and frightening glower at Alicia, he left.

Alicia rushed to Kalinda, who hadn't moved an inch.

"Are you all right? Kalinda, who's that man?" but Kalinda still looked in shock and didn't reply. "Kalinda, did he hurt you?"

"No" Kalinda said in a whisper.

"Does that man know where you live?"

"I don't know." Kalinda still hadn't moved, the pillar was supporting her and she looked like any movement of hers would throw her to the ground. Alicia put her hand on her shoulder. "Kalinda, let's get out of here. You're coming with me."

"Don't worry, I'll be fine. Thank you. Don't worry about me." Kalinda tried to recompose herself and to sound all right, but she knew herself that she wasn't very convincing. Softly, she tried to push Alicia away, but didn't insist when she realized that Alicia wouldn't even notice.

"You're coming with me" Alicia repeated and taking Kalinda's hand she started to walk her to her car. She still felt under the rush of adrenalin that had come through her when she had seen that man and knew that she had to make decisions and act quickly before it would all fall down and she'd find herself scared, shocked and powerless. Right now, she knew that she was doing what she needed to do. She knew that she was having Kalinda spend the night at her apartment, that she was not letting her go to her place where that man might be waiting for her already. She knew that Kalinda had to be safe and her own place was the safest she could think of. What she didn't know was why she felt that urge to protect her, but she didn't have the time to wonder about that.

She opened the passenger's door and had Kalinda sit down there.

"Buckle up", she felt the need to say. Kalinda buckled up. She was staring ahead of her and seemed somewhere between fighting against tears and rage. Alicia wanted to tell her that she was allowed to cry, to express her feelings and her fears, but she knew best and didn't say anything.

"Could you drive me home please?" Kalinda asked. She wanted to be in her own apartment, alone, able to think it all through and maybe start to find a way out. She had to find a way out.

"I'm driving you home –to my home." Alicia sounded so determined that Kalinda couldn't find the energy to protest. The car started.

"I don't want to talk", Kalinda said after a few seconds, still staring ahead.

"Then don't talk." Alicia had spoken sharply, too sharply even for her. She didn't want to sound so sharp : she knew that having Kalinda there in the car with her was a fragile situation. She also knew that Kalinda wasn't an easy person to help –that she had that pride that Alicia understood and shared, that made her hide her feelings and troubles and prefer to solve them, or most of the time not solve them, all on her own rather than having someone else try to find solutions. Other people's solutions had always been worthless anyway, and that worked for her as well as for Kalinda.

Driving in the silence and darkness made Alicia worry for a moment about how things would turn out with Kalinda at home with her. She knew that it wasn't the subject, but she had always dreaded the conversation that she thought would be necessary for the two of them if they ever wanted to start feeling at least less awkward with each other again. There had been improvement over the last few months though : Alicia had seen her former friend's constant efforts to re-establish a connection between them, even if she hadn't always received them well. If things were not so complicated, she knew she wouldn't be resisting so much –she had to admit to herself that she missed Kalinda, that she missed their moments together, their drinks, their complicity. She just couldn't see how to get back to a relationship that couldn't be the same anymore. She couldn't figure out how to give up her resentment, which had accompanied her for long months, but she did recognize that the physical symptoms that had occured to her everytime she had met Kalinda in the first few weeks after her discovery were not there anymore. No more electric shocks through her veins, no more punches in her stomach, no more red veil in front of her eyes –it had become bearable to be in the same room as Kalinda, and from bearable it was even becoming something that Alicia was sometimes looking for. The initial pain, anger and confusion gone, they had given room to some sadness and nostalgia.

No word was exchanged during the whole drive. Glancing at Kalinda from time to time, Alicia knew that she needed to give her some time with herself to get over what had just happened. She herself could feel the nervous tension slowly going down and the beatings of her heart get back to a more normal rhythm. However she couldn't forget that man's eyes, the violence she had seen in them, and the fear in Kalinda's eyes. She didn't want to repeat the first question she had asked Kalinda, and she knew that Kalinda would tell her at one point, when she would decide, and not when Alicia would ask questions. It had always been that way with her, as if Kalinda needed time to process her friend's interrogations, had to weigh what she wanted to say and not, and finally gave brief but strong indication of who she was. Alicia decided to respect this pace that she had always respected.

In the elevator on their way up to the apartment, Alicia decided to break the silence.

"Don't worry, I'm not going to ask anything. You're just staying here tonight because you'll be safe and you'll have time to figure out how to protect yourself from that man. I'll leave you alone. You can have Grace's bedroom, the kids are with Peter."

The elevator door opened, and Alicia got her keys to open the apartment.

"He's Leela's husband."

Kalinda pronounced those words quickly, feebly, as Alicia was unlocking the door. Alicia froze, not sure exactly about how to react to this new mention of the name "Leela", that name that she had loathed and heard too many times without really understanding what was in it. Some connections made their way through her brain_. I didn't like my life before so I changed it_. Now she could see better why Kalinda didn't like her life before. But she needed more to understand. They entered the apartment. Alicia took off her shoes, dropped her coat in the entrance hall, went straight to the fridge, grabbed a bottle of white wine and got two glasses. Kalinda was still standing in the entrance hall, not knowing whether to go on explaining things to Alicia, or to just stop there and go to the bedroom Alicia had assigned her. Alicia answered that question for her.

"Hey, sit down. You need some wine."

Kalinda needed to be taken care of, and she did need the wine, so she sat down on one of the couches in Alicia's living room. Resting her head against the pillow, she closed her eyes, and wished that tonight had only been a nightmare, and that she was now just casually having a drink at her friend's place after a normal day of work. When she opened her eyes again, she saw that Alicia was sitting in the armchair opposite the couch, looking at her with concern.

"Kalinda I want to help you, but I don't know how."

"You are helping me."

Alicia handed her the glass of wine that she had filled for her. She was already halfway through hers.

"What happened to Leela?" Alicia had sworn to herself that she wouldn't ask any questions, but this one had escaped her. Kalinda had been avoiding her eyes, but she suddenly looked at her, ready to tell her the truth.

"She died in a fire."

Alicia nodded slowly, trying to make sense. "And they couldn't identify her body?"

It was Kalinda's turn to nod.

"And that was how you became Kalinda?" Another nod.

"And how did your, I mean, Leela's, husband find you? How did he know you were here?"

"Blake contacted him. He had told me he would. I thought it was just an empty threat."

"Why did he do that?"

Kalinda shrugged.

"What does that man want from you?"

"He says he'll make me go back there. That I'm legally tied to him. That he's going to tell everyone about who I really am."

"Go back where?"

"To Vancouver. That's where I used to live."

Kalinda had never offered so much information at the same time before, even when she and Alicia had been much closer. Alicia didn't want Kalinda to feel pushed and she paused. She tried to think about Kalinda's change of identity, how complete it had been, how Leela's husband would be defeated in court if he actually tried to sue Kalinda, but there was the one issue that covered everything else and kept her legal mind from working normally. She didn't allow herself to ask about it, though. She refused to do so.

Vancouver. Peter had been to Vancouver several times on business trips some years ago.

Alicia was starting to feel dizzy. She wasn't so sure that she wanted to go on with that conversation after all. She filled her glass again and seeing that Kalinda's was empty, filled it too. They remained silent for a moment, until Alicia finally blurted out : "Did you meet Peter in Vancouver?"

"Yes." Kalinda avoided Alicia's eyes again. She knew she was staring at her. "Peter was a client."

Alicia suddenly understood the whole picture. "You..." She stopped. She saw that Kalinda's face had changed. Another look she had never seen before. Kalinda's cheeks were red, her eyes were shining, she was staring at her feet. Shame.

"Yes, I was exactly what you've been calling me in your head for the last few months-

It all made sense to her.

-and I was married to a pimp who beat me up, how does that sound?" Kalinda was trying to replace shame with sarcasm, but it didn't sound as light as she had intended to.

Alicia realized her head was thumping. For a second she imagined throwing Kalinda out of her apartment, treating her like she had wanted to treat all those hookers with all the contempt and anger that she possessed. But Kalinda wasn't one of those hookers –Leela had been. It wasn't her best friend who had slept with her husband. Kalinda was here sitting on her couch, her best friend, the one who had helped her go through her first two years at Lockhart / Gardner, the one who had never looked at her like she was a victim, the one who had made her keep her head up all those difficult months. And she was the one who was now bowing in front of her. Somehow, what she had just realized made Alicia feel immensely sad, but also partly relieved. She decided that she'd have some time later to think about the impact of Kalinda's revelation on her own life and feelings. It was Kalinda in front of her, not Leela, she repeated to herself. And even when she had been Leela, Alicia was just starting to understand that there had been a lot more to it than just being a hooker.

"Kalinda, look at me. Kalinda?" Her voice had softened considerably, but Kalinda wouldn't raise her eyes to her. Alicia joined her friend on the couch, sat besides her and put her hand on Kalinda's hand. Kalinda still wasn't moving, her head bowed, looking down. Alicia sighed, a long, sad sigh. She rested her head on her friend's shoulder. She felt exhausted and drunk, and she couldn't find any other word but the one she uttered again in a whisper :

"Kalinda."


End file.
